Dooley Noted: 5/15/14
I remember a 20 year-old college junior. She was a theater major. She was mixed up about the pressure to be thin and beautiful.
She said, “If only I could lose some weight, I’d be cast as the leading lady. Then, I’d be happy.”
She lost the weight. She was placed in a fat suit for her next role.
She thought she needed to be even skinnier and even more beautiful.
She said, “If only I were even thinner, I’d get the part. Then, I’d be happy.”
She starved herself. She worked out for 2 hours per day.
She got great parts. She was even more miserable.
She fell into a downward spiral, not knowing her place in the world.
She said, “If only I had a man that loved me unconditionally – then, I’d be happy.”
She found him. He loved her all the way, for everything that she was.
She still starved herself and exercised now 3 hours a day. She thought he’d leave if she gained weight or was less attractive in the socially pressured sense. He never indicated he would do so. But her perception was her reality.
She got sicker and sicker. She passed out in a bathroom, having made herself throw up for two hours straight.
She awoke.
She looked in the mirror. She said, “Never again.”
Day by day, she shifted the focus and pressure to a usable form of energy that didn’t hurt her. It took years to do her work. She and her love grew apart as she got healthier and more focused on helping others.
They are still friends to this day, because their love was unconditional. It just changed form.
What she learned is that “if only” must never be considered.
Where she is right now is the only place to consider.
There is no future tense.
She traded “if only” for “what works in this moment.”
She started to look in the mirror and say, “This is where I am today on my journey. And it is excellent.”
I talk about her as if she is a different person.
She is.
If only I could take her by the face and say, “Beautiful young Kathy Jo, happiness is an ever-changing state.”
Be here – now. That is happiness.
But I know “if only” doesn’t exist. And I would never take away from myself those years that helped me empathize with everyone else’s struggles.
Every time I look in the mirror, I am so happy to be alive. I snatched joy from myself for half a decade. Some do it for longer.
This is your life. Right now. This is it.
“If only” is a great way to never be satisfied. If you want change, don’t wait for it. Go after it.
Tearing yourself down and assuming “if only”s will get you there won’t be effective.
But admitting the struggle while moving forward is the path of strength and comfort.
As always, it’s your call.
– Dr. Kathy Dooley