Dooley Noted: 10/12/18
My flight was delayed.
So I left for the airport later than usual.
My Lyft driver was a sweet, elderly man that didn’t seem to speak much English.
He was not the aggressive New York City cab driver that I typically prefer when I am running late.
He drove very slowly. He never ran a yellow light. He let other people pass without hesitation.
I realized how ridiculous it was that he was keeping us safe while I felt edgy about it.
So, I checked my flight – and it was delayed further. We bought some time.
I worked on my phone and did not attempt to help him find the right way through the airport.
And he took the wrong way.
I saw a flash of this experience in my past, of me getting edgy with a driver. Ultimately, it stagnated the trip and encouraged us both to be even more on edge.
My husband often tells me this truth: “I’m the angriest person I know. But I know where that path gets me. I work hard to choose a way that doesn’t hurt other people or myself.”
I know where the anger got me in the past.
So, I channeled my husband.
I asked, “Are you confused? Maybe I can help?”
He didn’t understand the difference between arriving and departing flights.
He seemed very confused and a little scared that I might get upset.
Drivers honked at him to hurry. The traffic was heavy and unforgivable at the arrivals section.
I said, “Next time you drop someone off, make sure to look for the ‘departing flights’ sign. I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention. We will both do better next time.”
I jumped out of the cab and sprinted with my luggage. The swings are paying off because I got there FAST.
And here I am, sitting at the gate with my flight experiencing delay after delay.
I’d still be sitting here if I had yelled at that driver.
But instead of being harassed by irritation and anger, I’m relaxed and happy that the driver and I both learned something without anger being exchanged.
I’m trading anger in for troubleshooting.
I’m trading reactivity for understanding.
I’m trading frustration for compassion.
Being kind and understanding isn’t an absence of anger.
Anger isn’t a choice. It’s energy expenditure just as kindness is.
That cab ride felt like the longest ride, because it may be so easy for others to be chill in those situations.
And then again, maybe it isn’t.
Maybe it’s just an every day, every moment practice, just like breathing training and kettlebell swings.
If compassion is a practice, I consider myself training in this for every aspect of my life.
Anger may be my default, but it doesn’t have to be my choice.
As always, it’s my training, and my call.
– Dr. Kathy Dooley