Dooley Noted: 8/16/2014
People can tend to make judgment calls about things they’ve never experienced. From addiction to obesity, I watch people point their fingers at what they feel are “bad choices.”
With the recent death of Robin Williams, I’ve read my share of Internet and in-person judgments. Some called him selfish for committing suicide.
What about his family? Was he only thinking of himself?
I never once thought that. I think those words are uttered by people who have never experienced clinical depression.
But I have. And it nearly sunk me.
I remember a key moment like it was yesterday. Although several years have passed, that memory of desperation never fades.
It was a Sunday afternoon – plus many months.
It was raining. And I had hit rock bottom.
When you hit bottom, you hopefully are lucky enough to call someone. That desperate call is hard to make, and you hope the one you choose picks up.
I had my share of friends. But you call the person who can handle your rock bottom.
I called my mother.
It’s a scary thing, drowning in your own sorrow. I felt a scary kind of clarity. The only thing I could see was the end. I saw myself taking my own life.
As I told my mother, she wept with me. She asked me not to do it. She didn’t ask me to save myself for her, or my father, or anyone else.
Suicide isn’t about anyone else. And she knew that. It’s an internal struggle.
She wept on the phone with me from miles away. She showed me the clear path I cut was not the only way.
It didn’t have to be real. It was an option I didn’t have to take.
She told me stories of overcoming sadness and hardship. She told me that when things seem like they are rock bottom, they can change in the blink of an eye.
She asked me to please get help. And I did.
I was successful in my career. I had friends and family. And I was still at the depths of depression. I was scared to admit it. I was embarrassed to share how I felt. But it’s more real than anything I have ever experienced. I’m glad I chose to get help.
Someone around you may feel like I did. I think of this every day. I do what I can to reach out. I do what I can to be there for people who reach out for me.
It’s why I ended up in healthcare. I want to pay back the world for this life I’ve been given. I am the woman I’m proud to be today in large part because I battled and conquered clinical depression.
The judgments must stop. You help no one with a nasty attitude. Reach out. Have empathy.
Please – someone may need you to pick up when they make the desperate call. Consider it an honor they chose you.
As always, it’s your call.
– Dr. Kathy Dooley
P. S. Thank you, Carolyn Dooley, for picking up.